I have trudged through the murky waters of existence

I do not know how many more years I can promise resistance

You and I both know I am doomed in these conditions

Eventually, death is destined to be my decision

And at that point, it will not matter if I am forgiven

All you can do is accept my eventual riddance

In the end, I cannot help but to laugh maniacally at my sickness

For even the grief is ultimately futile and meaningless

Until the time comes that I bow my head to the noose

I will remain among the living, not for me, but for you

That does not make it easy to not to burn down my roots

We all have our ways of distracting from the memories of abuse

So please, when I do eventually resort to suicide

I beg you not to make believe that I have not tried

With each passing day, these thoughts are amplified

But I will ensure you are happy, before I have died

I want to know what it feels like to shoot you in the head

I wish I knew how it felt to be the cause of your death

I wish I'd murdered you and fucked your severed head

I'm too stable for that but not stable enough for happiness

You didn't deserve to die as peacefully as you did

You deserved needles in your eyes, and a mangled bloody dick

I wish I could find every way to defile your corpse

My childhood is a common story of how psychopaths are born

But I wasn't so lucky

I wish I had a drive to kill and feel nothing at all

I'd join you in hell just so I could watch you further fall

I'd break your ribs and choke you out and stab you in the brain

I don't have it in me to give you unrelenting pain

Because that's what you fucking deserve

You should've had it so much worse

With no source of escape or help

Put you through the very same hell

That you chose to inflict on me

You motherfucking cunt you don't deserve to rest in peace

The only thing that you have earned is bloody broken teeth

I'm so fucking jealous that you died before me

I deserve death more, for it's an embrace so sweet

Fuck you, fucking cunt

I was your fucking son

I should have stole your gun

And shot you in the cranium

Stabbed your wife up her cunt

For abusing me just as much

Fucked with a knife til she's gushing blood

Fuck me, fuck life, and fuck adoption

You've had years to apologize and you haven't

Even then it wouldn't end the madness

I won't forgive you, not for me, not for you

Even if I know that's what I should do

You let slide everything that has happened

All because to you I'm nothing but a faggot

I was born like this, not by fucking choice

And I think that I have lost my voice

From all these years of cursing your name

And it was all in fucking vein

Because you have no fucking shame

That's okay, I'll take the blame

Because it doesn't change the truth

You kept quiet about my abuse

And you call yourself a Christian

You're old, you're a bitch, you're not willing to listen

Set in your ways

I hope your blood sprays

From your motherfucking neck

When someone brings a gun to your house of worship

Fuck you, fuck God, fuck the bible, fuck my life

I watched the Lord fuck your husband with a knife

I saw a ghost ejaculating on his corpse

In my dreams, in my thoughts, in my unheard voice

I can only pray that dementia may come early

So that I may forget the terrors of the parents I was given

Alzheimer's may be the disease to cure me

Farewell all memories, so long burdens, good riddance

The only cure for the hopeless is the bloodstained floor

A shotgun whether it be physical or a metaphor

Exterminate the emotional turmoil, through brain rot

To mold the life I despise into a life that is forgot

Begone, all the memories of parental malice

And the lingering stench of your molester's phallus

No more will it matter how excruciating your pain

For you cannot think with a decomposing brain

Your metamorphosis is far from these days

You may never earn the disease that you crave

Regardless of the work you put in to achieve

Yet another maniacal method of relief

Dearest, I would give you everything I can

If it means I may hold your gentle hand

I'll hold you close to my damaged heart

With our souls intertwined in the moonlit dark

I allow you to see parts of me that I loathe entirely

And you reassure me, you comfort and admire me

We have a common enemy, rooted internal pain

But we'll face it together and see another day

I'll cherish and protect you from harm's way

With your tender lips pressed against my face

I'll mend your heart with threads of mine

Your presence reminds me everything will be fine

Even though I'm cracked, I will be your armor

I'll be your shining light, when it gets darker

You inspire feelings of self esteem and hope

When self loathing and despair is all I've ever known

Dearest, your resilience is something I adore

Dearest, you are the angel I'd fall to hell for

On darkest days, I will drop everything for you

No matter the time, I will do all I am able to

Why is it that I can find love in a romantic sense

But I still remain unloved by all of my “family” 

Yes, I may be happier with the person I love

But that does not make me any less alone

You're not my family, I'm done making the effort to try

I only say I love you, because I feel I have to at this point

I don't hate you, and I do respect you, but I don't think I love you anymore

I did, but I'm just now realizing that feeling went away a few years ago

You shouldn't say you love someone unless you mean it

You all just feel pressured to love someone you live with 

I believe you respect me, but you all make it clear you don't love me

Love is an actual feeling that happens, not just a word

You're not my brother, you're someone who just blindly loves everyone

You're not my father, he's buried in the ground next to my spirit

You're not my mother, you're a roommate who feels obligated to make up for lost years

As long as it doesn't involve any care or emotion

I am medicated, I am in a more positive headspace

That's how I know this is how I truly feel

This is not my mental illness speaking to me

This is simply my own clear thoughts

My darling, I promise not to fade away

I'm here whenever you call for me

You appear in my thoughts and heart every day

Your smile and your immortal gaze

They both inspire my mind to remain rational

You aid me in sorting out anything problematical

When we finally rid ourselves of this distant interval

Our first embrace is sure to be magical

You will always have my respect and affection

I will always try to keep you safe under my protection

I'm so grateful that we have this mutual connection

You make me feel happy with my reflection

Whatever obstacles we face, we'll make it through together

I'll be your umbrella underneath the stormy weather

You are someone I promise to treasure

You have my word, my heart, my body, my armor

Hugging your legs, I look up at your beautiful sunken eyes

I only ever see you every couple moonlit nights

Between the nightmares, you keep me from harm

Holding me safe in your slender arms

I know that you're real, but we may never meet

You're the only one to embrace me in my dreams

Orgasm inside me as I breathe into your chest

When I'm with you I no longer fear sex

I feel ashamed, when I awaken, it's sad

I know that I will never have that

I know that you're not real, but maybe someday we'll meet

Dearest, you're the only one who loves me in my dreams

I'll never forget the face of my dream lover

I'll never forget the scent of my dream lover

I'll never forget the taste of my dream lover

I'll never see you in the day, you're my dream lover

You're a stupid asshole I looked up to as a kid

Suck my balls, eat my ass, gulp my dirty dick

Never learned a lesson, you should've stayed in jail

Kill yourself so you can meet your brother down in hell

Ronnie Radke? More like Cummy Ass cheese

Ronnie Radke? Emo getting old and saggy

Ronnie Radke? More like Cummy Ass cheese

Ronnie Radke? Eat my fucking ass Queefs

Gulp my semen down your stupid fucking throat, you ugly fuck

You'll never have a juicier cock than Devin from Sanguisugabogg

He's gonna blow your tattooed asshole to smitherines

That is if you don't hide behind your security like a big pussy

Ronnie Radke? More like Cummy Ass cheese

Ronnie Radke? Emo getting old and saggy

Ronnie Radke? More like Cummy Ass cheese

Ronnie Radke? Eat my fucking ass Queefs

I'm so much harder than you, I have erections in my blood

Your grandpa tits are starting to sag, you ugly cuck

I'll come to your gated hood, shoot it up

Twelve bullets, twelve gifts, Hanukah

You're stupid and dumb

Fuck you lick my balls

Suck my Weiner you penis liker

Snort ketamine out my anus in a bad way

Jared Dines came up to me at Maryland Deathfest

He told me that he likes the look of my man breasts

He pushed me over his 18 string guitar

And then he licked my bootyhole super fucking hard

Jared Dines on my cute little femboy bootyhole

Jared Dines let me suck his djent stick

He looked me in the asscheeks and asked, does it djent?

And I responded no, but it does clap

And so I twerked my booty cheeks on his phallus

And blew him a kiss to show I intended no malice

I used my fat ass to demolish his cock

And that was the day Jared showed me how Daddy Rock

Jared Dines on my cute little femboy bootyhole

Jared Dines let me suck his djent stick

He looked me in the asscheeks and asked, does it djent?

And I responded no, but it does clap

Jared Dines on my bootyhole (x4)

Intro (slow ska style)

You have hit an indefinite bottom, my friend

You can seek help, but you won't feel good in the end

Just look at yourself, in an empty hospital room

You cannot escape yourself, until you rot in your tomb

Instrumental Buildup (punk style)

Verse 1

Your friends, they are all forever gone

Your family has always done you wrong

Like an infant, you cling onto your mom

But you don't know if she'll be around for long

You'll never be understood by your peers

They don't believe your crocodile tears

You raised yourself alone, without a parent's help

And now your stuck with rapidly decline mental health

Chorus

Tell me, is there even any chance of moving on?

Is it scientifically possible to move forward?

From the self hatred fueled by psychotic disorders?

Verse 2

Your medicine, your guitars, and your dogs

They're all you have to keep you feeling calm

Why do you think I never leave my home?

In public, all I want to do is break my fucking bones

I feel such a shameful desire to be evil

But I'm not at all capable of harming innocent people

I think my rationality has left for the millionth time

'Cause it's not rational to want to die

Chorus

Tell me, is there even any chance of moving on?

Is it stupid to think that I could move forward?

From the self hatred fueled by psychotic disorders?

Outro (slow ska style)

I have my doubts if change is possible

But what do I know? I'm writing this while I'm in a hospital...

5 days into the year and 125 bills have been filed

Targeting trans rights cuz you think we'd all groom a child

Do you have nothing better to do than fuck with our well being?

Your debt, your head, your hands, none of them are clean

And you have the broken frontal lobe to suggest

These days everyone is equal, we're not at all oppressed

No matter where I go, someone will call me tranny

You worry about my cock and balls, then claim you're straight and manly

We went through the informed consent system

We were all told the risks of transition

Lay your hands off my choices and body

How can your Christian values be so ungodly

And you have the broken frontal lobe to suggest

These days everyone is equal, we're not at all oppressed

No matter where I go, someone will call me tranny

You worry about my cock and balls, then claim you're straight and manly

What have you gone through for your humanity to be lost?

Have you met my same traumas, or are you just that much of a cunt?

At least I have reason to be as unstable as I come across

While you just thrive on treating others like you're above

I can control my misanthropy, unlike you

Bottle it up, express it in music too

Even then, I feel I leave room for humanity

What more must I do to maintain sanity?

What good have you done for this fucking planet?

You act so high and mighty, I'll never understand it

We're all as valuable as the cattle stuck in our teeth

Carnivorous with no balance between self hatred and self esteem

I believe in a happy medium between misanthropy and tolerance

Many people are deserving of your hatred, humans can be abhorrent

And yet many oppressed groups are stomped on like fucking worms

The only good Nazi is one disemboweled, behold a lesson learned

I grew from a happy little boy to a mentally unstable woman

I could never fully respect a planet so evil and abusive

You people expect my respect, you don't fuckin deserve it

You deserve my heartless neglect, it's quite easy to earn it

You hold such a special place in my damaged heart

You're the inspiration for all my positive pieces of art

It's tearing me apart to see you hurt so deeply

Am I actually helping or do I just look needy?

If I can't improve your life, am I doing enough?

Will you think I plan to hurt you, and it's all a bluff?

You've come into contact with so many abusers

I'm terrified you'll think I plan to use you

It's not an act, I love you more than myself

When I see you in pain, I forget I'm in hell

Because I am more concerned with keeping you safe

Id drop everything immediately to put a smile on your face

And I constantly fear that my love is not enough

It's not you making me feel that way

It's my own tormented self loathing thoughts

It kills me that we are so far away

You are one of the only reasons I want to live

I wish my love for you was not all I could give

Because you don't deserve the issues you have

And the fact I can't hold you is driving me mad

I'm not there to hold you when you cry

And the helplessness is eating me alive

I want to cure your sickness and shield your heart

And knowing that I can't is ripping me apart

Memories of you haunt me almost every day I awake

I have twisted fantasies of tearing the skin from your face

Nightmares haunt me ever since I started estrogen

I didn't realize the extent of the trauma I've been suppressing

Dreams of you breaking my spirit and taunting my soul

Beating my naked carcass at eleven years old

And telling me that I am nothing but roadkill

My corpse only serving as a punching bag for you

And you're not the only one haunting me

I can feel my inner child being further raped in my sleep

By one of my many other abusers, a family friend

Someone who got an undeservingly merciful death

I should have been given the embrace of death before him

Because he deserves to remain alive in pain, not me, I'm the victim

I'm the one who continues to suffer a disfigured brain

I'm the one who's being driven mentally insane

This life isn't fair…

And on top of that, after all the abuse I end up in a safe home

But I can't bring myself to love my new mother, I still feel alone

How selfish is it that I can't love the person who gave me life

Do I deserve the life you gave me if living is something I don't like?

My selfish brain chose to dwell on my previous family…

The only person I love is my romantic partner

But knowing they can't hold me makes it so much harder

Why is it only with them that I feel empathy

When my family and friends have only had my sympathy

And how can I learn to share this empathy with myself?

How do I convince myself that I don't belong in hell?

I'm terrified of healing because change is painful

And as much as I push through, my heart still feels fatal

No matter how happy and loved I may feel

You will always be there to haunt my broken soul

I can remember so vividly the way it felt when you abused me

The impact of your knuckles on my already bruised skin

The feeling of blood pouring out of my twelve year old nose

When you slammed my hideous face into the floor

I remember so vividly, the impact, the pain

The sense of desperation as I tried to crawl away

I could relive those moments if I thought about it long enough

And yet, your family will always take your side

Is diagnosed PTSD not enough proof of your wrath?

They said I had no proof even when the damage was visible

I hope every member of your bloodline dies the slowest, most horrific death

The world would be so much better, without such a wicked excuse for a family

I was a boy you forced to be a man, no wonder I ended up a woman

Your husband's death was not enough, I need you all to suffer

Suffer until there is not a trace left on earth of you wretched cowards

I am brave, I am resilient, but that doesn't mean I'm strong

The strong can forgive, but I will always be too weak

I would rather be raped again than show you any shred of empathy

Waste of skin, waste of breath, waste of time, waste of life

I have a hard time loving family, yet I still feel empathy for them at the very least

I do not feel empathy when faced with you

I do not wish to make amends, forgive, or heal from you

There's nothing I feel towards you that is not related to a soulless desire for violence

If circumstances were different, and my wires weren't so stable

I could have ended up a legitimate psychopathic serial killer

And you would be the first person I rape, torture, and ultimately murder

Luckily for you, I'm not capable of such heinous things

That doesn't change the fact that I desire a genocide upon your entire family

Is it too much to ask to be happy for more than a day

I try my best to improve and I worsen anyway

How much longer will I be forced to endure

This tormented life I never asked for

I am doing everything I can to stay tough

When will all of my hard work pay off?

Why can't I be happy, it's never enough

Why must my heart be so callous and rough

Was this all truly a waste of time?

Am I forever cursed to wish I could die

I have so much trauma bottled up inside

It's hard to believe these tears are mine

It's as if I'm possessed…

I don't feel safe in my own home

I'm terrified these thoughts are not my own

Where is the cure for all that I suffer?

How long has my voice been muffled?

My dearest lover, how could I possibly repay you?

You've given meaning to a life I had previously given up on

You've given me strength that I didn't believe I had in me

You've shown me the benefits of optimism

I've spent my entire life in a shroud of solitary self harm

You've proven to me, I do not deserve to be alone

You've shone a positive light in my dark isolation

And now life feels so incredible, all experiences feel new

This connection between you and I fills me with delight

I can't stop thinking of you, I'm so infatuated

It scares me, I am not used to such pleasant emotions

But I will push past the fear, to rest within your arms

You are my inspiration for painting my emotions

You are my muse for such romantic poetry

I have never felt such a strong desire for someone

I devote my body, my heart,

and my soul to you

You don't need me to say please, I won't have to beg

Daddy's cock penetrates my soul after my death

Caretaker of the pretty face you'll push into the dirt 

And fuck in every orifice you feel that I deserve

Rape the bleeding toddler, convince me I want it

You'd have fucked me before I could crawl if you wanted

It brings a crooked smile to your hideous face

To be the one to take my innocence away

Hear me beg, hear me scream

Hear me cry, hear me break

Hear me wail, hear me weep

Watch me die, during my rape

And violently sodomize my necrotizing soul

Reduce me to nothing more than an infantile hole

Brutally fuck my stillborn fetal spirit

My brain is just alive enough to feel it

When will I be rid of your stench…

I used to be an angel, an innocent soul like you

I used to be a free spirit under nobody's chains

If only that freedom had lasted a bit longer

Perhaps then, I wouldn't weep at the sight of a child

Perhaps then, I could feel the connection you feel

But I've fallen, just like any other angel worth a damn

I am not innocent anymore, I am terribly disturbed

I am an awful piece of shit, who's only use is to be fucking raped

All I will ever be is a decaying porcelain doll

I have veins made of glass, and disease ridden blood

I deserve to be drowned in narcotic chemical waste

Acidic burns and rusted blades are my only friends

The sway of motion sickness, an epiphanic vomiting of semen

The sound of bells chiming, children screaming in my ears

My blood is slowly freezing within my veins

I can feel jagged ice pushing out through my flesh

Maggots begin with the process of breeding in my skull

Fucking their mate like a toddler that was asking for it

Emotions are leaking out of my ravaged stab wounds

The angel has torn off it's wings, blaming itself

It's my fault, it's my fucking fault, I deserved it

It's my fucking fault, I was asking for it

It's my fault, it's all my fault, it will always be my fault

You cannot convince me otherwise you fucking cunt

The screams of children haunt my tormented brain

Visions of their abuse, clouding my wicked dreams

I'm tired of bearing witness to violence and rape

The nightmares are driving me insane

Rotten sounds, ear piercing screams

Sadistic evils, taunt me in my sleep

And the one who cursed me with these visions

Has died peacefully, as I suffer through living

I wake up with my heart sunken to my stomach

Words can't describe the anger I feel from it

The sadness, and the feeling of helplessness

Knowing I will never be able to recover from this

I will be forced to relive my rape for the rest of my life

And my mother wonders why my wrists crave a knife

This life is not fair, it was ruined from the beginning

And I don't know how much longer I can promise resistance

I don't want to fucking live with this curse

I don't want to keep getting worse

I don't want to be alive on this Earth

I don't want to constantly hurt

I'm going to cave in one of these days

And this pain will finally go away

And you will all have yourselves to blame

Not that you'd feel any shred of shame

I'll be the one to make your pain turn physical

Tear out your brain, so your thoughts become visible

I am the reason you will always be miserable

I am the child you couldn't be, a ghost so whimsical

Your thoughts will be shrouded in my cries

You will beg for a most gruesome demise

Too fearful to face the child you keep locked inside

Your heavily disturbed and tormented mind

I will provide you with the torture you feel you deserve

I'll scream bloody murder in your ear until it hurts

My shrill cries will pierce through your blackened soul

Only you can hear it, only you will ever know

We screech in your ear while you sit in an empty room

Your life was ruined from the day you left the womb

There will never be a moment's peace for you

Reach out, but there's nothing anyone can do

You're hopeless…

Today, I brought a belt to the woods to choke my life away

And like the coward I am, I just threw it in the water

I trusted you with my fragile heart, I showed you my body

I opened up to you about my traumas, I felt so much progress

And you mean to tell me what we had was all a lie?

You've been seeing a girl for almost a year at this point

You should've left her before you started flirting with me

Before you said you loved me, before you showed me your body

I want to remain your friend, but you've completely lost my heart

You've lost my body, you've lost my love, you've lost my trust

I know you're not an evil person, but you did an awful thing

And I don't know how I could possibly forgive you for this

There were days where I cried because I was so grateful

Grateful just to have you in my worthless life

And now the tears are no longer from happiness

They're from sadness, disappointment, heartbreak

Why are you the one drinking yourself to sleep?

Why are you the one in pain, it should be me

I didn't cry for a very long time today

I just laid in bed staring off into space for hours

Unsure how to process what you've done to me

Why do new issues arise every time I think I've improved?

Why did the most recent issue become someone I loved?

I don't have enough energy to be stressed anymore

My face is a blank stare as I write these words

Too exhausted for tears, too forgiving for my own good

Too tired for anger, too helpless for a better life

I'm sure I will make another attempt at some point

But as of now, I just don't have it in me

I will dissociate as I always have

I've been through so much in this life

I've constantly been left behind

I'm not afraid to fucking die

I even try to cause it sometimes

Caffeine, artistry, bonds with friends I love

I cling to scraps of happiness, but it's never enough

This planet wants me to suffer to death

I'll curse you all in my final dying breath

You won't get a second of weakness from me

Everybody wants to pretend they're on my team 

My abusers, I will live above your graves

I love myself, but I live out of spite and hate

My confidence, my dominance, my promises

I'll keep them all, I'll stand up tall, while you all fucking fall

Never forgive, never forget, what you've done to me

If I don't live, then I don't win, I'm not surrendering

No matter how far away I will always love you 

No matter how long you live I will always love you 

No matter what mistakes you make I will always love you 

Whether you're a partner or a friend I will still always love you

Wherever I am, I'll be here for you always

Together or just friends, a bond like this does not break

I'll do all I can, to put a smile on your face

No matter how much you lose, you will never lose me

Don't blame yourself for my exhaustion

You help me find my mind when I've lost it

We mutually aid each other during our struggles

Without you, I'd be so much more troubled

You do so much more to help me than you think

Even if you don't know what to say, you're still listening

You're doing so much more to help yourself than you see

No matter how sick you are, you're still a powerful being

Maybe it would humble me to be molested again

I'd much rather be blind when all I see is red

So take my eyes like you took my happiness

I'll do anything to feel something, I'm desperate

Your ghost haunts me at the foot of my bed

I don't even remember your face, and yet

You still managed to take my life away

Something I am never able to do successfully

I love myself, but do I really deserve it?

I receive so much empathy, but have I earned it?

I deserve rape, I deserve hate, I'm hopeless

There is nothing I'm more certain of in these moments

Why do I view myself as a toy who was born to be abused?

Why have I been forced into a family I'd never choose

Why do they not feel I deserve to hang from a noose?

I hate that they love me, but there's nothing I can do

I'm a voodoo doll, my despair causes others pain

I spread negativity with a fake smile on my face

I don't mean to do it, I don't want anyone to hurt

Except for myself, because I feel it's deserved

And it seems the more I reach out for help

The more I desire to be dragged down to hell

I loathe my heart, I loathe my brain, I loathe my skin

I don't know if I'll ever learn to tame the terrors within

Terrorize

Bastardize

Sodomize

Ruin my life